“Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.’ Think about that for a while.” – Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh, “Bull Durham”
We had planned to roll out FPUF 2020 – a computer simulation of ultimate, available on all known platforms. While ‘free’, paid users would receive an attractive virtual box, lots of product placement, enrollment in monthly subscriptions for ‘upgrades’ for ‘content’, a chance to purchase in-game currency with real-world money, ‘upgrades’ to allow players to perform feats they were incapable of in real life, “skins” to enhance players appearance, ‘loot boxes’ with shirts, cleats, discs, and um, loot – and many other money-making features targeting today’s apparently dimwitted yet wealthy youth.
Unfortunately, the FPUF 2020 feature allowing simulation of an actual game wasn’t ready in time, so the Alumni v 2020 Undergrad game was simulated on Princeton’s third-finest computer, The Great Hyperlobic Omnicognate Neutron Wrangler which was found abandoned in a corridor on the fourth floor the E-quad when a newer model with a chrome name badge was purchased by the Advanced Hydrology Group.
After averaging several (quintillion) possible outcomes, the simulated game result was:
10:00 am: Gametime. 37 alumni are present, 4 undergrads, no water or food.
10:15 am: 9 Captains lay out a field – a rough quadrilateral – and test the wind.
10:30 am. 48 Alumni sing ‘When the Sons of Princeton”. Dogs howl. Hungover undergrads wish they would stop, for many good reasons.
10:36 am. The oldest 7 alumni amble onto the line. There is a delay while a suitable disk is procured and the many, many types of historical zone defenses are recalled and their virtues debated.
10:40 am Campus Security arrives and berates everybody for trying to play ultimate during a pandemic. Not wanting a Black Mark on Their Records, all disperse rapidly.